Ups and Downs

Being on this trip has already tested me in more ways than I could possibly imagine. I never knew something could be so draining and have such highs and extreme lows. This past week, up till Sunday, was really challenging for me. I still can’t pinpoint what the exact factor is, but I have wanted to go home this past week more than ever before. I have even gotten to the point where I was counting down which is something I don’t want to do and haven’t been doing up until now. It’s frustrating when uncomfortable situations build up upon classes and lectures that I am not very passionate about. I hate when the overall purpose for being here gets clouded by my feeling and immediate annoyances. It’s almost like I can handle a few things, but there is a point where it is too much. But, I know that God is testing me while I’m here for a reason. He is teaching me what true persecution is and what it feels like to be drained and alone. I have never had to rely on God’s promise that He will never leave me or forsake me more than I am right now. I have never had to wake up and literally make the choice to be joyful because I can’t think of one thing that I want to be joyful about. It’s really weird because this summer at camp I went through these same things but in a different and not as extreme way. I needed God to get me through the day but I needed energy from Him more than anything. I was being spiritually filled daily so that my cup was overflowing and most of the drain that I was feeling was physical. I remember reflecting at the end of camp and realizing that God was teaching me not to base my days off of feelings but to find ALL of my joy in Him. But, being here, being abroad is a completely different kind of draining. It’s not as physical, but it is emotionally, mentally, and spiritually draining. Without the Christian community I don’t have anything to fall back on but God himself. At camp I really enjoyed what I was doing and absolutely loved impacting the lives of my campers. Here, it’s not that I don’t like it, but I don’t love it. I have to choose to learn and find the positives out of every day. But even though that can be extremely challenging and frustrating it has been really good for me to have to make that choice to be joyful and hopeful when it is easy to think that there is none.

I think it has also been hard for me because I am getting to the point where I have seen so much poverty that I am almost getting numb to it. I want to help, but we haven’t talked about very many practical ways to help the poor and needy in this country. Day after day I see it and want to do something, but I am getting to the point where it’s almost like, there are so many people how can I care about them all? The answer to this is something that I am still searching for. I know that one person can’t help millions of people and it is easy to get overwhelmed in the big issue of poverty but I want to do something to make a difference.

On a positive note, yesterday in our class reflection I really enjoyed hearing what our group had to say and talking about what we have been learning since we have been in Bluefields. I feel like when we have those discussions and bounce ideas off of each other, it is one of the best ways to learn and process experiences. I feel like I learned so much more last night hearing everyone’s opinions and thoughts that I have in the past week of lectures and talks. I hope that as we continue on this journey we can continue to have those class discussions and unpack what everyone is learning and feeling.

I’m going to try to continue to have the mindset of taking things one day at a time here. It is a gift from God that I wake up every morning and I need to live each day to the fullest and live every experience that I can while I am here. I have so many good things going for me, I’m healthy, my family is healthy, I have a wonderful home, go to a great school, have amazing friends and so much more. Focusing on the positives and working to see those here is something that I really need to intentionally do.

Love always, Shelby